COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
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How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
anyone else like Italian cereal
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
just make the entire table out of coaster
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches