Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
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Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.