*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
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My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
The prophecy is fulfilled
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping