Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
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shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
This is my favorite one of these!
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.