“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
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My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.