The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
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I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system