I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
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once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS