Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
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10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
#milo
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.