Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
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-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.