Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
You Might Also Like
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”