“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
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If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel