*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
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This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.