*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
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I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder