You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
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Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.