People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
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GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no