this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
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[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no