Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
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teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.