Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
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Well, that should do it
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Word!
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.