If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
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Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.