5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
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People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend