I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
You Might Also Like
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.