Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
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“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
saving face 👀
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o