I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
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When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
everyone’s a critic
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.