I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
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[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone