I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
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I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.