Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
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Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised