friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
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My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.