interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
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No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
can’t bark with your mouth full
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try