Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor