me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
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“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.