imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
You Might Also Like
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
How about I get 100% off by already being there
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Respect
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
January is lasting longer than my marriage
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter