me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
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[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I’m awake but I object,
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours