me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
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Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Easy enough.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better