Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
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My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.