*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
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Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.