Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
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I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays