cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
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Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Well, shit
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.