I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
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Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
The first matador
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”