“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
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[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.