Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
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Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website