I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
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Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.