Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
You Might Also Like
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?