DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
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“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”