13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
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*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,