Some of y’all tomorrow …
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*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Bring back the McRib
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal