[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
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“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.