IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
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Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Me as a therapist: omg same
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.