I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
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Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
me
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
You know I’m something of a chef myself
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
The photographer’s assistant
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.