I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
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It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I think I’m having a stroke
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”