I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
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[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.